


The Quest for Gandalf's hat

by Warlady



Category: The Lord of the Rings - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Blatant selfinsertion of the author, F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-25
Updated: 2020-11-25
Packaged: 2021-03-10 01:20:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,888
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27705442
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Warlady/pseuds/Warlady
Summary: A silly, short story just to make the reader smile.
Relationships: Gimli (Son of Glóin)/Legolas Greenleaf, Original Female Character/Original Male Character
Comments: 2
Kudos: 6





	The Quest for Gandalf's hat

"

So, what do you want this time?" Puck, the trickster Fairy asks me. He looks gorgeous as always, long locks of silver hair hanging past his shoulders, framing his pale elfin face. His slender body stands graciously inside the pentacle that I traced on my room's floor for my ritual. If only he wasn't smiling in that impish way he could be mistaken for an angel or an Elf. I wonder which is the link between Elves and Fairies? They look the same to me, but Fairies are far more magical than Elves...and far more cunning.

"I summoned you, my Lord, because I ask a special favor from thee. Oh, mighty creature..." He raises her hand to stop my invocation.

"Oh, God, quit that Wiccan foolishness, girl! Maybe other Fairies fancy these old rituals, but I'm quite bored with them, plus you are not good at poetry, not even the slightest. Just spit it out, Kat!"

He is so irreverent, tradition means nothing to him! I don't know why I care about all the details in my spells, he always acts the same. Well, it counts as an attempt in the magical realm, though my list of attempts grows wide, while my list of success grows thin. I look him walk towards my bed; he sits unceremoniously and leans backward, supporting his weight on his elbows. God, he looks so sexy!

I bite my lip and push the lustful thoughts to the back of my mind. "Ok, Puck, I want to go to Middle Earth, to pick up a valuable item for my collection." That's it, clear and straight to the point.

"You are not trying to collect Hobbits again? Are you?" He points me with his accusatory finger, though his eyes glint in mock.

"No, and I wouldn't do it again, my account is still at the brink of bankruptcy. I never imagined those little things could eat that much. Now I'm looking forward to something less expensive to maintain, you know, something inert."

"You are going to abduct Legolas?" He raises his beautiful eyebrow and smirks.

"Legolas is not inert. Just because you tried to seduce him and failed doesn't mean he won't fall for someone else." Oops, I went too far with that! Rule number one, never tease Puck! He likes to play jokes but hates to be the target of them.

"Oh, yeah, someone like you, maybe?" He stands up and looks at me upside down. He walks around me and watches at my skinny frame intently. Then he lifts one of my unruly hair locks with his fingers and scowls disapprovingly, while I curse my shampoo and the genetics. After long minutes of pure anguish, he snorts, shaking his head. "Hopeless," he says and walks away from me, sitting again in my bed

Well, a painful punch to my pride, but my body is intact, that's good.

"Tell me now, what do you want, I'm not getting younger, and neither are you."

"I want Gandalf's hat for my collection." I dare to say, swallowing my self-respect.

"Gandalf's hat? Sheesh, Kat, get a life. Even the idea of capturing the Ice Queen from Mirkwood has more sense, at least you could use him as your bodyguard, that is, if you had a body to guard," he looks at me with the corner of his eye, disdain in his voice.

Ouch, that hurts! It seems he won't forgive me so easily. Did I mention that I have an explosive temperament?

"That is none of your business! I want the freaking hat, that's all!" I shut my mouth, though I think it's too late. Rule number two, never yell at a Fairy, especially to Robin Goodfellow; he is not so "Good fellow" when people yell at him.

He fixes those beautiful eyes on mine, sweet Jesus! Now I know what they mean when they talk about predatory stare!

"Careful, Kat, you are so close to crossing the line!"

"Sorry," I mutter.

"I can't hear you, could you please repeat it?"

"Sorry, My Lord," I say, aloud this time, humility dripping from my words. I hate it when he does that to me. But I want the damn hat, not to mention I don't want to be turned into a frog.

"Ok, apology accepted. And now, back to business. We have to prepare ourselves for the travel," his voice has changed from murderous to joyful in a split second. There is no doubt about it, Fairies are the weirdest creatures.

"You said we. Are you going to go with me?"

"But of course, I have to take care of my investment!"

Right, investment, that's the way he calls it. He has a different affair in every incursion to Middle-Earth. He loves to fuck Elves, male and female, though I think he prefers males. The last time we went to Lothlorien, in search of a piece for my collection, I discovered him in a steaming foursome with Haldir, Rumil, and Orophin. I have to admit it helped me because they were...err...distracted, and it was easy to steal an Elven knife from them. Now I have a beautiful Athame for my rituals, and he got his Elven ration of the month...week...day, whatever!

I wonder if Robin would give me the chance to bed an Elf someday. The possibility is small, almost null and I'm the one to blame. I once commented to him that I hate Mary Sues, and he took it very seriously. So, anytime we go to Middle Earth, I travel wearing my old, imperfect and boring body; no abracadabra, no fighting skills, no breathtaking beauty, and no perfect hair. I could ask him for some improvements, of course, as part of the deal, but I better die than give him the chance to mock about me taking back my words about Mary Sues.

*****

Sweet Jesus! He gave me wings, he gave me wings! I couldn't believe it when he suggested it. He gave me a Fairy disguise for this quest. I have to admit that he didn't give me the complete package. I mean, I'm the old same me, but I can fly and make myself invisible, and my hair doesn't look so bad now. It's so good to have these incredible lovely wings attached to my back; they are butterfly-like, but their edges are shaped like dragon wings, and they are deep purple (heavy metal, hmm ?).

Robin explains to me that the shape and color of Fairy wings depend on the personality of the Fairy. That raises a question in my mind: since he is such a queer, why his wings are not feathered and colorful? I prefer to keep this question to me and don't push my luck any further.

"We have to fly close enough to see them and far away as not to be noticed by them. I'm afraid we have to be cautious, or the Elf will hear even the sound of our wings." Robin says this in an inaudible whisper, but I hear him quite well. It is only my imagination or did my hearing improve? So, it seems he gave me other Fairy skills.

We finally reach our destination: The doors of Moria. We are close to the Fellowship, almost 600 feet from them ...God, what is that stench?! My stomach flips and I ran away as far as my legs and my self-control can take me. I throw out my cookies noisily, and Robin pulls my hair out of the way, while his warm palm strokes my back.

"Oh, poor dear, I didn't warn you about your Fairy senses! It seems that the Fellowship's reek was too much for your sensitive little nose." He is smirking in that now-we-are-even way.

"It's impossible, how can Legolas stand this smell?" I say, my nose still wrinkled and my throat soared.

"It's quite easy, once you learn how to control your senses. You can block them if you need to. I imagine I can teach you, just to prevent another incident of this magnitude," he chuckles, (the bastard!) and help me gain my composure, by giving me some water.

"Ok, but better do it now, or I don't think I could go further in this quest."

"You forgot the magic word."

"Please, My Lord!"

"Now, that's much better!"

*****

Well, back to the business, Gandalf has finally figured how to open the doors. And Robin has taught me the way to block my ultra-sensitive senses. Good timing, because now that the doors are open a foul smell attacks my nostrils again. All those rotten corpses and the air sealed inside the Mine. I put my concentration to the hear and sight senses and the stench lowers to a bearable level.

I see how the Fellowship goes inside the mines and I remember suddenly the next part of this odyssey.

The tentacles coming from the murky pond start to attack the companions, and Frodo is the monsters' main goal. I really want to help, but Robin grabs my arm and shakes his head. Yeah, I'm only an observer here, I have not permission to interfere. Eww, that thing is really repulsive, my words are not eloquent enough to describe it. I wonder if Tolkien stole the idea from H.P. Lovecraft because this damn beast looks too much like the Great Cthulhu.

Robin drags me into the mines, while the Fellowship tries to save their skins. Incredible, we glow in the dark, cool! But, then I ask, "They would see us, in this darkness and with this light."

"No, this light only can be seen if you want to show it. And they are not paranormal beings, remember, even Gandalf is using a human body."

"But the Elf..."

"What about him? He has acute senses, but can't see auras. Trust me, I've been inches from him using this form and he had never noticed me."

Inches, hmm? Why I have this strange feeling that I will ask about some time alone with the Elf latter?

*****

We are walking through the darkness, thick as Cuban coffee, thanks to the Goddess for my own luminous aura. I really hate darkness. We are some steps behind the Fellowship, our stride as silent as snowflakes over grass. The Elf is the last in the row this time, it seems his blue eyes are going to pop out, as wide they are. Oh, the poor Elfling is afraid! The Dwarf walks in front of him, looking from side to side, his step is secure and even graceful in this darkness. I realize he can see better in the dark than the others, just like a cat.

"Damn, I'm bored!" I complain. It's been so long since anybody said anything. They are so silent. All this tranquility is getting on my nerves.

"Shhh, you jackass! In this void, anybody could hear you, even the Dwarf." Robin's 'gentle' words had gone an octave higher than a whisper.

At this 'lovely' remark, Gimli straightens his frame and looks oddly at the Elf.

Legolas does the same, returning the stare to Gimli.

"You heard it too, Master Dwarf?" mutters the Elf, his eyes even wider now.

"Aye, but I thought it was you. Don't worry, Master Elf, it might be only the lost echoes of past conversations. I have heard about it, Kazhad-dum is carven so deep inside the bones of Middle Earth that some sounds returns years before, echoed again and again."

I hear this and smile. Well, we are in Middle Earth, anything is possible...or was it at the Labyrinth? Oh, never mind.

The Elf is speaking to the Dwarf more confidently now, I think he feels safer beside Gimli; well, I would feel the same, better to tag to the heels of those who know the surroundings.

They stop suddenly, before an arcade with three entrances. Now what? Oh, yes, the old wizard doesn't remember the way. I stop as well, and all of a sudden something hits me from behind and I fall to the ground. I am crushed against the floor by dead weight and I notice that there is a tall Fairy flatten over my back. I am about to curse him in such a colorful manner, but he places a hand against my mouth tightly.

"Shh, sorry I was distracted, keep your mouth quiet or you will blow out our cover," he whispers softly in my ear from behind, the front of his body still pressing me to the floor.

And I shudder! Hell, I shudder noticeably! How could I avoid it, anyway, with a beautiful, lean Fairy atop me?

"Oh, Kat, I never thought you liked me that much!" he whispers again in my ear, and I can feel him smiling.

He can be so annoying! I push him away and climb to my feet, still flushed to the roots of my hair, and mumbling quietly some blasphemies.

"Don't be ashamed, witchy girl, I cause that effect on the people."

I don't say a thing, but glare at him. Weird, he has a strange gleam in his green eyes, something I had never seen before.

****

Next time I'll bring a book. I've been more than an hour looking at this bunch of morons sitting in total silence. Aragorn has pulled his cloak over his face and he is in a meditative stance, but I'm sure he is snoring. Boromir has wrapped his cape around him and he is soundly asleep. The Hobbits are hungry -surprise, surprise!- but, it seems they have finally understood that complaining is useless. Gandalf is sitting there, watching at the three gates, Frodo is at his side, talking in a low anguishing voice that unnerves me even more than the quietness of the others. Only Gimli and Legolas - they are some feet away from the others and behind some rocks- are talking animatedly, maybe too animatedly.

Robin is close to them both, watching intently and in total stillness. One could swear he is a statue if it wasn't for the deep flush covering his face. Wait a minute! What could be so interesting in that dark corner of the mine?

I walk to him and I realize why he had been looking at them all this time.

The Elf and the Dwarf are face to face, Gimli is standing in front of Legolas, who is kneeled on the floor. Their faces merely inches from each other. I notice how the short arm of Gimli slides slowly inside the front of Legolas' breeches and starts moving in a very distinctive way.

I feel the rush of blood running to my face, and I'm sure I'm red as a tomato.

Robin looks at me and smirks impishly; his eyes are dark with lust.

"It's not polite to watch them. I'm going," my own voice betrays me as it breaks at the end of the sentence.

"Stay, Kat, don't play the naive to me, I've already read some of your fanfictions."

Cursed Fairy! But he is right, Gimli and Legolas pairing is my favorite, how could I miss this chance to see one of my twisted fantasies in Technicolor and stereo -where available-. The light in Kazhad-dum is scarce, almost inexistent, but the enhanced senses given to me let me see the scene like it was surrounded by a dim brightness.

It seems Legolas is enjoying it too much because he has closed his eyes and his breath is quickening. God, he is beautiful! His pale flesh is flushed, and his lips are barely parted.

Gimli is looking at him carefully, a small smile drawn on his bearded face.

It's amazing how this is noticeably for Fairy's senses, even with the insufficient light and the lots of hair around his mouth. Wow, the sounds that are escaping the Elf's throat are so enticing, though I figure none of the Fellowship can hear them. Damn, I'm melting, and they have just begun!

"Now I know why he rejected my offering. It seems he is in love with the little furry guy. I can't blame him, though, one of my cousins at Avalon has told me that the Dwarves' axes are really a sight." Robin is so indecent, how he can ruin this moment with his remark?

Oh, but I'm having such a good time! The Elf is now bracing himself, his elegant hands tightly grasping the Dwarf's shoulders, some strangled words come out his luscious lips. I don't understand what he is saying, it has to be Elvish...or his brain is lacking blood and can't connect properly with his tongue.

Robin chuckles and presses a hand against my temple. Suddenly I understand the words.

"Oh, God, this is so good! More, I am such a slut, I want to be your whore, Gimli!"

What a surprise, the Elf loves swearing when he is at it! I smile, who could imagine that?

All of a sudden he stiffens (yeah, I know he is already quite stiff, but I mean his entire body), and he produces a high pitched cry, while he shudders and collapses to Gimli's protective arms.

"Now, I can die happy. But something is disturbing me, with that loud cry it is not time for the others to come here to investigate what's the matter?" I ask this to Robin, he is not so flushed now, though his eyes glow with that weird spark I saw before.

"No, they didn't hear it, only you and me, and maybe Legolas, if he was not so enthralled I mean. That yell was far beyond the range of human hearing. In fact, the Elf Prince came really hard, it seems Dwarven hands are not only skilled in stone carven. Maybe I'll try to bump a Dwarf someday."

I roll my eyes at him and then look at the lovers. Legolas is recovering from his orgasm slowly, while Gimli is rubbing his back tenderly.

"Ah! That is the right one! " The wizard's words startle me, and the companions of the Fellowship, too.

Gimli kisses Legolas briefly on the lips and helps him to stand, though the Elf's legs seem to be a little weak.

"I will reciprocate this to you, I promise, my love, as soon as we reach Lothlorien glades," Legolas whispers softly to Gimli, and they both walk towards the rest of the Fellowship.

"You know I'll add some extra credit to your bill, Kat, you came here for a hat and look what you got, a live show of "Pairing the Elf with the Dwarf" "

"Do as you want, I think it's fair," I say this nonchalantly, for such an incredible service the price is very low. We walk some steps behind the Fellowship.

******

What a mess! Orcs' heads and arms flying everywhere, blades up and down, and the stinky, awful, terrifying...I run out of words for that Troll, smashing his club against the floor and anything that moves.

My blouse is stained in black blood, I've been almost killed twice and all because of an old ragged blue hat.

But I don't cease in my quest. I reach for the damn hat for the fifth time, a forest of legs moving around me, suddenly someone kicks it away. I crawl towards it and it is booted away again. It's been like this for the last five minutes, the longest five minutes of my life. I've seen this in a couple of movies, but I never thought it would happen to me ever. Robin is floating over the battle, as far away as the ceiling lets him.

"Help me, Robin!" I shout at him. The uproar of the battle doesn't let the fighters pay attention to me. A single cry in an ocean of noise can't be easily noticed.

"No, I don't like the sight of those swords neither the spears." He glides a little lower in the air but keeps himself safe.

At least, when all the Orcs had been slaughtered and the good guys run to help Frodo, I take the pointy hat from the ground; amazingly it doesn't stink as I have supposed it would. Robin had told me that touching anything while using the winged form, it would become as invisible as I am. This is good, I imagine the Fellowship terror at the sight of a floating hat.

Robin glides down to me and grabs me by the wrist.

"Ready to go?"

"Can we stay a little longer? I want to see the Balrog."

"No we can't, the deal was to collect the hat, that's all. And besides, you wouldn't like the Balrog, believe me."

******

"Isn't it the most beautiful hat you had ever seen?" I ask while placing it on my head; it sinks past my eyes and is barely stopped by my nose.

"Maybe if you stuff it with toilet paper it would fit." Robin laughs, he likes it when I put myself in ridicule, which happens very often by the way.

Now my Fairy disguise has been removed. Pity, I liked the idea of going to the movies for free.

"Well, I think is time to pay, Kat, do you have my fees?"

"Sure, wait a minute." I left the room and go to the kitchen. I return with a tray of homemade cookies, oat with chips of chocolate. Yes, that is what he always wants as only payment. It seems chocolate is not easy to acquire in Avalon, and King Oberon doesn't let his dear people roam around the human cities in search of such pleasures.

"Oh, I love you when you bake these for me, Kat!" he is almost jumping in happiness, it makes me feel so joyful myself.

He takes the tray and bows to me. He snaps his fingers and they disappear, he has told me that they are teleported to his personal quarters at the palace.

I'm ready to see him disappear, following the track of his beloved cookies, when he smirks at me wickedly.

"And, about the extras in your bill, I would ask from you something very special."

Oh, I forget it, yes the Legolas-Gimli thing. I wonder what he would ask me for, brownies maybe?

He walks towards me and before I can say a word he has trapped me in a tight embrace and is kissing me almost magically. When he finally releases my mouth I look at him in total shock. Now I know the meaning of that strange gleam in his eyes.

"No brownies then." Damn, how is that I always say the most stupid things in the most important times?

"No, no brownies this time, maybe just a little of sugar." He replies, his hands moving a little lower on my back, in a way far beyond what can be called a friendly touch.

"But, what you told me about me, and the Elf, and I having not a body to be guarded..."

"Well, I'm not an Elf, bonny, and I feel very attracted by hopeless cases like you."

What kind of compliment is this? I don't know, and seconds before it doesn't matter either, I won't miss the chance to be offended by this beautiful Fairy any time of the year, if it makes me feel as heavenly as I'm feeling right now.

THE END


End file.
